Bloody Kleptomania
by WensleydaleCheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh: episode 815 / #02 Cartman has a new idea for instant cash, Fiona is up to her old tricks again, Kyle has to deal with them both while Stan becomes an activist again. Meanwhile, some of the other kids are having adventures of their own... Oh, and Kenny dies. Chaos ensues. Rated T for being South Park.
1. The Logic Of The Lesbian Jew

_I don't own either "South Park", "House" or "You Rang, M'lord?", but I'm sure you already know that.  
_

_This story is set at the end of the 7th season, right after another SPA fic called "Fiona". It includes an OC which was pretty boring in the last story, so I had to flesh out her personality a little bit in this one. I hope you like it. Please review, even if you don't because I'd like to know what I have done wrong with it.  
_

_**[NOTE]**: I moved the story from episode 718 to the end of the 8th season (ep 815), because the ending was somewhat juxtaposing the canon events... I have another story in mind that might fill the other spot, so Fiona has to wait a bit until she gets her second big role in this fic ^^  
_

_The story is written__ in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are mufled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona a stronger Scottish accent (for example, she says "bluid" instead of "blood" or "thare" instead of "there"), so if it is difficult to read, please inform me._  


___Also, I hope that will someday realise that script format fanfiction can also contain a good story, sometimes even better than others. Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.  
_

* * *

_[The opening sequence – the one from the 7__th__ season. The music plays the third, country style title theme]_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time._

**Kyle + Stan:** _Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind._

**Cartman:** _Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind._

**Butters: **_Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!_

**Les Claypool: **_So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine._

_**SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 717/ #02 – Bloody Kleptomania**_

* * *

_[The boys minus Cartman plus Fiona are watching TV in the Marshes' living room. Stan and Kyle are sitting on the couch while Fiona and Kenny are lying on the floor. Cartman comes in through the front door. He sees Fiona and glares at her]_

CARTMAN: Aw, God! Seriously, you guys? That red chick is still hanging around with us? Stan, you're gonna let that Scotch thief steal what she wants?

FIONA: Piss off, Cartman! Stan invited me 'ere!

STAN: Because Kyle made me, though…

KYLE: You weren't supposed to say it!

CARTMAN: Whatevah… What are you fags watching?

STAN: They cancelled "Terrance and Phillip" today, so we're watching some new medical show.

CARTMAN: Oh, that show about lesbians? I've already seen it.

KYLE: _[frowns] _Medical shows are about doctors, Cartman, not lesbians!

CARTMAN: What now, Kahl, do you have something against lesbians? Can't lesbians be doctors?

KYLE: What? Cartman, you fat idiot, I'm just saying there aren't any lesbians in this show! You're always the homophobe, not me!

CARTMAN: The only reason why you might hate lesbians is that you're gay, or a chick! Are you a fag, Kahl?

KYLE: What? Gay people don't have anything against lesbians!

CARTMAN: How do you know? Are you gay?

KYLE: No!

CARTMAN: Are you a lesbian, then?

KYLE: Goddamnit, Cartman!

FIONA: Shut up, fatarse, that's just gettin' ridiculous!

KENNY: (Hey, the show's starting!)

_[Kyle and Cartman stop quarrelling and look at the TV again. Eric sits down on the couch beside Kyle]_

* * *

_[the scene changes to a parody of "House" television show's opening intro. Then, we see a full view of the Marshes' residence while a sign saying "10 MINUTES LATER" appears – firstly, because the planned scene didn't have anything to do with the plot, and secondly, because the author is being lazy]_

* * *

_[back to the Marshes' living room]_

KYLE: See, Cartman? That's ten minutes of the show and still no lesbians!

CARTMAN: Lesbians? Who the fuck was talking about lesbians…

KYLE: Aaaargh! _[closes his eyes in a rage]_

FIONA: Shut up, both of you! I'm tryin' to listen!

CARTMAN: You shut up, lesbian!

STAN: Will somebody please shut him up?

* * *

_[back to the show, in the Plinceton Prainsbolo hospital, the patient is resting in his room. Two doctors, an Australian and a black one come inside]_

CHASEBERG: 'Ello, mate! You feelin' be'er?

PATIENT: I guess I'm fine. When am I going to come out?

CHASEBERG: 'm afraid we can't let ya out f'ra while. We still 'ave fifteen minutes till the end of the show, so you 'ave to get worse.

FOREBERG: Aren't you bleeding from your ear?

PATIENT: What? Aaaah! _[a stream of blood flows out of his ear]_

* * *

_[meanwhile, back in Stan's living room]_

CARTMAN: Whoa, keewl!

KENNY: Mfff! _[pulls his parka's strings, frightened]_

CARTMAN: Meh, you're a pussy, Kenny… Hey, check this out! Kenny's mom's so poor she can't afford to lose blood! Hahahah!

KENNY: _[stands up and hits Cartman in the face] _(Shut the fuck up, fatass! It's not funny!)

CARTMAN: _[starts to cry] _Waaaah! Mooooooom! MEEEEEEEEEEEEHM!

KYLE: Who's the pussy now, fat boy? _[rolls his eyes]_

FIONA: The funny thing is that you can actually make money on losing bluid, ya know? Thare are those buildings called bluid banks, you can sell your bluid in 'em.

KENNY: (Blood banks?)

FIONA: Aye, I heard back in Scotland that ye can make some quick money on that.

CARTMAN: _[having an epiphany] _Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe what I just came up with!

STAN: I don't like the sound of that…

CARTMAN: You're not gonna believe it, you guys! We'll be fuckin' rich!

KYLE: What is it, fatass? _[frowns impatiently]_

CARTMAN: Feehna, you've given me a great idea! I should've expected, you Scotsmen have a nose for money!

KYLE: Goddamnit, Cartman, cut the crap and talk!

CARTMAN: Okay, listen! We're gonna become… a blood banking business.

STAN: …Uh-uh… _[looks away, uninterested]_

CARTMAN: Nah, I'm seriously! We might not get much money if we donate blood ourselves, but if we sell it with interest…

KENNY: (Interest?)

CARTMAN: Yeah, you know, I heard it tastes better when it gets older…

FIONA: That's wine, you bleedin' idiot! You don't drink bluid!

CARTMAN: You don't? Who cares, blood, wine, same thing!

FIONA: Besides, you don't get money for taking blood! It's voluntary work!

CARTMAN: What? Nuh-uh!

KYLE: Yeah-uh! It's done in the hospital!

CARTMAN: Oh yeah? Well I don't believe you guys and I'm gonna check it out myself! Screw you guys - I'm going home!

FIONA: _[after a moment of silence] _You mean to the hospital?

CARTMAN: _[after a moment of silence] _…Fuck you, bitch!

_[Cartman leaves, children go back and sit on the sofa]_

STAN: Screw him, let's get back to the TV…

* * *

_[Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman is sitting on the other side of Doctor Gouache's desk]_

CARTMAN: _[angrily] _As a representative of all children in South Park I want to express my protest against this chauvinistic bureaucracy! What do you mean you can't give blood unless you're eighteen?

DOCTOR: Well… _[unsure] _I'm sorry if I offended you, Eric, but rules are rules. It's against the law to take blood from a minor.

CARTMAN: But won't the patients die if they don't get enough blood? And isn't it bad for business?

DOCTOR: The blood bank is getting money straight from the ministry, Eric. We don't get money from the patients. So you see, we can't , and don't have to, take blood from you.

CARTMAN: _[to himself] _That son of a bitch… _[to Doctor Gouache] _But what about other people's blood? Can I turn that in?

DOCTOR: No, you still have to be an adult to do it.

CARTMAN: I see… _[wearing a cunning smile]_

* * *

_[Cartman's residence. Liane is washing the dishes in the kitchen. Eric approaches her from behind]_

CARTMAN: Mooooooooom? _[in his "sweet" voice] _Can you drive me to the hospital and donate the blood I took from Butters so we can get tons of caaaaaash?

_[Liane opens her mouth in shock, but says nothing]_

* * *

_[Back in Stan's house, the boys still watch the medical show. Fiona's not present]_

HAUSBERG'S VOICE: _I need a consult._

WILSONBERG'S VOICE: _Why are you in my office?_

STAN: _[sighs]_ Ugh… This season sucks ass. Why would we want to watch another show about a cynic and his righteous, Jewish best friend?

_[There is a moment of silence. Then, Stan and Kyle realize something, look at each other, and then at the TV again]_

KENNY: (Where's Fiona?)

KYLE: Yeah, what's going on? She's been in the bathroom for ages!

FIONA: I'm 'ere, lads!

_[Fiona comes down the stairs. She is clearly hiding some things under her jacket. We can't see what, but she has definitely stolen something]_

FIONA: I've got to get home or me dad's gonna yell at me. Bye, then! _[she tries to go outside, but Kyle blocks her way]_

KYLE: Wait, wait, wait! What have you got in your pockets?

FIONA: Pockets? What pockets? Oh, THESE! Nothing, it's just… my stuff, ye know.

STAN: What stuff? I didn't see you bringing anything.

FIONA: Uh… Sort of…

KYLE: Take off your jacket!

FIONA: What?

KENNY: (Better take everything off! Woo-hoo!)

FIONA: You're such a pervert, Kenny…

KYLE: I've had enough of this! _[takes her jacket off by force while Kenny holds her down]_

FIONA: Hey, what are you doin', you sick bastards?

_[some wallets, Stan's toys and other things fall out of Fiona's jacket]_

STAN: Hey, that's my stuff! What the hell was it doing in your jacket?

FIONA: Why are you groping me, Kyle? That's sexual harassment! I could sue you, ye know?

KYLE: I wasn't groping you, I was just taking off your jacket!

FIONA: Then you were undressing me! That doesn't make it any better!

KYLE: _[angrily]_ Goddamnit, I was just taking it off so we could see what you have stolen! Stop pretending it has anything to do with sexual harassment!

STAN: Look, Fione, you can't keep stealing our stuff if you want to be our friend. Look at Kenny! He's poor, but he doesn't steal!

KENNY: (Hey, fuck you, Stan!)

_[Sharon enters from the kitchen]_

SHARON: What is this shouting about, Stanley? My goodness, look at the mess you've made! _[frowning] _What's my golden pen doing here?

STAN: It's nothing, mom, Fiona's just tried to steal it.

SHARON: WhatwhatWHAAAT?

KYLE: _[whispers to Stan] _Dude, your mom spends too much time with mine…

FIONA: Wait a minute! I can explain everything!

STAN: You can? _[he frowns]_

FIONA: Aye! You see, I did it, but it's nae entirely my fault. Ye see, I'm addicted to stealing. I'm… a kleptomaniac.

KENNY: (A what?)

SHARON: Oh… _[stops frowning] _I see… _[unsure] _Well, then I'm sorry for my son's behavior, Fiona. You can keep the pen and all.

STAN: What, but mom, she…

SHARON: Don't shout at your little friend, Stanley! She's very sick, for God's sake! Show some sympathy! _[Sharon leaves the living room. Fiona leaves the house]_

STAN: What the hell just happened?

* * *

_[The news sign. Next, the announcer reading the news, Tom Pussilicker appears]_

TOM: More and more people are growing concerned about the so-called "Crime Diseases", or illnesses which cause other people to commit crimes. Kleptomaniacs and other sick perverts unite to tell people how badly treated they are. Talking with them will be a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

_[the scene cuts to an ordinary American household with a middle-aged marriage of kleptomaniacs sitting on a sofa and an ordinary looking journalist beside them. Instead of speaking, the journalist picks his nose and turns on a recording of his voice]_

JOURNALIST'S RECORDING: Thank you, Tom. Mr. and Mrs. Git, you're both kleptomaniacs, aren't you?

GIT: That's right, yes.

RECORDING: When did you and your wife meet each other?

GIT: Well, it's our disease that brought us together, actually. We met on our rehab in Boston, actually. Those days, the doctors tried to make us think that we need to be treated, actually, but actually, now we realize that kleptomania has become a part of our personality, actually.

RECORDING: And how long have you been compulsively stealing, Mrs. Git?

MRS. GIT: Oh, ever since I was a toddler. We used to have a lot of fun until I took an arrow to the knee… That security system was really tricky.

GIT: You know, people think we're blessed with such a disease and that we can steal with clear conscience, actually. But the truth is, actually, that it actually has a lot of setbacks.

MRS. GIT: Oh, yes, especially in the social life! We never got invited anywhere after that incident with the silver fish knives!

GIT: And they never used them, actually! They were vegetarians…

RECORDING: And you expect the new bill to change your social life?

GIT: We actually do hope so, actually, actually, actually.

RECORDING: Thank you, actually. Back to you, Tom.

_[the scene changes back to the studio]_

TOM: The new bill is the "Crime Diseases Right Act", proposed by a 9-year-old girl, Fiona McTeagle, who also happens to be a kleptomaniac. After she was falsely accused of stealing by Richard Adler, other kleptomaniacs came to the rescue, outraged.

* * *

_[the scene cuts to Stan, Kyle and Kenny watching TV, open-mouthed (except Kenny, whose mouth we can't see, of course)]_

KYLE: What?

STAN: Fione did that?

* * *

_[back to the studio]_

TOM: Apparently, the victims of crime diseases will have the freedom to do whatever their illnesses tell them to and even insulting those goddamn pricks is against the law… _[a policeman comes into the studio and arrests Tom] _Oh, goddamnit, I said it, didn't I?

* * *

_[back to Stan's living room]_

STAN: Dude… She's doing it again… She's stealing and getting away with it…

KYLE: It's just wrong! She's just using this kleptomania thing as a scapegoat, not because she's really sick!

KENNY: _[to Kyle]_ (What're you gonna do?)

KYLE: Me?

STAN: Dude, you're the one who made friends with her.

KYLE: You're right, I guess… I'll talk to her tomorrow morning.

* * *

_[The 4__th__ grade's classroom]_

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… _[the children sit down] _Now we get to work, I have received a word from the counselor. Apparently, one of our students has been diagnosed with kleptomania. Which one of you little turds is it? _[Fiona raises her hand, smiling] _Okay, so it's Fiona. I have to warn you that if you prevent Fiona from stealing or insult her in any way, you might be taken in by the Interpol.

_[Cartman mumbles something to himself]_

GARRISON: Eric, what the hell are you doing?

CARTMAN: I'm counting how much money I'll make if I get 15 tons of blood.

GARRISON: _[stares at him, blank-faced, then decides to ignore him] _Okay, let's say I haven't heard it…

PIP: I say, the Interpol? Isn't that a bit over-the-top?

CLYDE: Yeah, how come those jerks get such special treatment?

_[Suddenly, the Interpol bursts into the classroom, breaking all the windows]_

STAN: Jesus Christ!

INTERPOL MAN: Okay, let's go, grab him!

_[They grab Clyde and fly out in a helicopter, leaving the class open-mouthed]_

STAN: Dude, what the fuck?

KYLE: _[to Mr. Garrison] _You can't be serious! They can't kidnap people like that!

GARRISON: What, you think it's my fault?

ESTHER: Yeah, but just because he called them "jerks"?

_[The Interpol people burst in again and abduct Esther]_

ESTHER: No, no, no, I was just quoting Clyde, damnit!

_[They leave again]_

KENNY: (Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here…)

WENDY: This is just getting ridiculous!

TIMMY: Timmah!

_[The Interpol situation happens again, this time with Timmy taken away]_

BEBE: Does "timmah" act as an insult?

_[The Interpol bursts in again and grabs Bebe]_

CRAIG: Apparently.

KYLE: Oh, come on!

* * *

_Finally, I managed to upload this. I wrote this in my notebook a long time ago, but it took a long time for me to write this on my computer... Next week, next chapter... Probably._

_Wensleydale  
_


	2. The Surname Confusion

_Sorry about not uploading for a while. Finally, he second chapter is here. As you may have noticed, I have moved the story to season 8. That's because I've juxtaposed some of the events at the end and I didn't want to upset the canon.  
_

_Anyway, here's the chapter. Enjoy and leave a review ^^  
_

* * *

_[The school corridor. The bell rings. Fiona searche__s__ Token's locker for some (pretty obvious) reason. Kyle approaches her angrily]_

KYLE: Fiona, what the hell are you doing with Token's locker?

FIONA: _[thinks for a second] _...Dusting?

_[Kyle rolls his eyes and grabs Fiona's hand, leading her to the boys' bathroom]_

FIONA: Hey, stop grabbin' me, you pervert!

KYLE: _[blushes and closes his eyes with anger] _Will you shut up about this pervert thing?

_[They enter the restroom. There's no-one about except for them]_

FIONA: Okay, why the boys' bathruim? Are you plannin' to rape me and sell my organs? Or something of the sort?

KYLE: _[ignores her] _Dude! You can't steal! Stealing is bad! Because of you pretending to be a kleptomaniac four of or classmates are missing!

FIONA: Bah! I'm not pretendin'! Besides, it's their own fault for insultin' our kind!

KYLE: Oh, come on, we both know that you are! You said so yourself during that trial some time ago that you steal because you want to!

FIONA: _[angrily] _It is not stealin', it is the redistribution of wealth!

KYLE: That doesn't make sense! You said you weren't poor!

FIONA: Well, aye, I'm not that puir… But I'm not that rich, either!

_[Kyle rolls his eyes in irritation and tries to walk off. Fiona stops him]_

FIONA: Don't walk away when I'm talking to ya! You think that Token needs that stuff? He's bleedin' rich! Have you seen his house?

KYLE: Well, I'll tell you this. If you give all the stuff you stole to Kenny's family, then your logic will make sense!

FIONA: I will! I will! _[Kyle lifts an eyebrow] _When I collect enough to buy five apartments which I can rent so I won't have to work in my entire life! Then I can give Kenny whatever he wants… _[thinks for a second] _On second thoughts, don't tell him that… Anyway, this bill won't last forever! I must act now! Tell ya what, I can forge you the kleptomania papers and we'll rob the entire town while we can! You'll take the north side and I'll take the south! And we split the luit - fifty-fifty!

KYLE: _[astonished and furious] _You are mad, Fiona! Mad with greed! If you don't stop, I'm gonna prove that you're not a kleptomaniac myself and you will go to the juvenile hall very quickly!

FIONA: _[after a moment of silence] _All right, sixty-forty to you.

_[Kyle rolls his eyes and walks out of the bathroom. Fiona runs after him]_

FIONA: Why do you keep walking away when I'm talking to ya? Kyle!

* * *

_[The playground. Cartman and Butters are standing in the middle of it. Eric's holding a syringe in his hand while Leopold has a sign saying "Blood Donation – get 3$". The latter looks unusually weak and pale]_

CARTMAN: Cash for blood, cash for blood! Get three dollars for a litre of blood! _[to Butters]_ Butters, hold this sign higher!

BUTTERS: Uuuh… I don't know, Eric. I seem kinda dizzy… You sure you have to take a litre a day?

CARTMAN: _[annoyed] _Butters, it's for your own good! If you want to make a profit, you have to respect mah authoritah!

_[Stan approaches the two boys]_

STAN: Cartman, what are you doing?

CARTMAN: I'm buying blood from the kids so I can sell it later with a profit. Go away, hippie, I don't need your help anymore!

STAN: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Argh, dude! You still haven't got over that idea? You can't take blood yourself here in the playground! What if you infect the kids with…

CARTMAN: What, herpes? I'm not some poor, gigolo, meecrob shit like Kenny!

STAN: Cartman, I'm seriously… _[corrects himself] _…serious! This is really dangerous.

CARTMAN: Meh, you just stick the needle into your wiener and pull the syringe. How difficult can it be?

STAN: Wiener? You stick it into your arm, fatass!

CARTMAN: You do? _[genuinely surprised]_

BUTTERS: _[weakly] _Uuuh…

STAN: …What the hell did you do to Butters?

CARTMAN: None of your business, Stan! Now leave me alone!

STAN: Do what you want, fatass. Me and Kyle have worse trouble to deal with…_ [seemingly walks off, but stays in the playground]_

CARTMAN: _[ignores him]_ Cash for blood, cash for blood! _[he speaks to the crowd who has gathered around them] _Who would like to give some blood, gentlemen? It's for a noble cause! Maybe you, Craig? _[Craig shows him the middle finger]_ Tweek?

TWEEK: Urgh! No way, man! Giving blood is way too much pressure!

CARTMAN: Come on, you guys, don't be such pussies! Who would like to earn… five dollars in cash?

_[Kenny, who was walking by, stops suddenly and looks at Eric. Stan looks at him.]_

CARTMAN: That's right, Kinney! Five, lovely, green dollars, all for your poor family! What do you say?

STAN: Dude, don't do it. We all know how this is going to end.

KENNY: (I don't have a choice, Stan!)

STAN: Seriously? Of all people to stick a needle inside you choose Cartman? This is serious. You might… _[dramatic pause] _…die…

KENNY: _[shrugs] _(Where else could I give blood? The hospitals won't accept blood from a minor.)

CARTMAN: That's right, Kinney! If anything goes wrong – don't blame me, but hospitals that refuse to take blood from innocent, hardworking children who would like to earn a living!

_[Kenny approaches Stan and pats him on the back]_

KENNY: (Don't worry, Stan. I'll gladly accept any money for body fluids I waste in large quantities every single day.) _[He then walks to Cartman]_

STAN: _[confused, whispers to himself] _What the hell does he mean by that?

_[Cartman ties a rubber band above Kenny's elbow. He then takes out a syringe while Butters rubs his arm with an antiseptic]_

CARTMAN: Okay, here goes!

STAN: _[to Kenny] _I'll see that your family gets the money!

_[Cartman sticks a syringe into Kenny's arm, then takes a litre of blood. Kenny closes his eyes while everyone else is looking with anticipation, except Butters, who's too frail and tired and Craig, who just doesn't care. Cartman finishes his job and takes the needle out.]_

KENNY: _[looks at his arm and shrugs] _(Hmph, maybe this wasn't such big a deal…)

_[Suddenly, the Interpol people enter the playground and shoot Kenny. They leave on a helicopter right after. Needless to say, the children are shocked.]_

STAN: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! And he wasn't even insulting kleptomaniacs or anything!

BILL: Huhuhuhuh, you bastards! Huhuhuh…

FOSSE: Uhuhuhuh, that was gay.

_[Cartman and Butters in the background take away the rest of Kenny's blood so as not to waste it]_

STAN: Well, that does it! The government is taking things too far and I'm gonna do something about it! _[Walks away, as do most of the children. Bradley Biggle, Kevin Stoley, Token, Craig and Tweek stay by Kenny's corpse]_

TOKEN: Wow, poor Kenny. If that's the way they carry on in the Interpol, aren't you a little worried about your sister, Kev?

KEVIN: Why should I? The force is strong with Esther. My father had it… I have it… And…

BRADLEY: …And should she need any assistance, Mintberry Crunch will be there for her!

_[All the boys stare at Bradley]_

TOKEN: What? _[confused]_

KEVIN: Don't mind him… What about Clyde? Aren't you worried about him?

CRAIG: He'll be just fiiiiiiine. He's probably having a great time right now.

* * *

_[The scene changes to Clyde crying in a prison cell]_

CLYDE: Waaaaaah! I wanna… sob.. go home!

_[An Interpol interrogator comes into the cell]_

INTERROGATOR: Well, well, well… I heard you've been a naughty boy, eh, Clyde Donovan?

CLYDE: _[confused and petrified]_ Huh?

INTERROGATOR: Or should I say… Clyde Harris? Or Clyde Goodman?

CLYDE: _[frightened] _I don't know what you're talking about, sir!

INTERROGATOR: You're such a mystery, Clyde… You seem to have three family names at the same time… Will you tell me how it is possible, Clyde Harris-Donovan-Goodman? Or is it Clyde Goodman-Donovan-Harris? Well, either you'll tell me, or I'll have to use force…

CLYDE: Please, sir-!

INTERROGATOR: _[grabs Clyde and pins him against the wall] _Don't you "please, sir" me! You think you're so cunning, Clyde? Well, I'll tell you something! You can't insult crime diseases even if you have three fucking names!

CLYDE: Waaaaah! _[starts to cry]_

_[The interrogator is about to hit Clyde, but in the last second Bebe storms in and shoots him on the head. Clyde is obviously shocked]_

CLYDE: Bebe? What are you doing here?

BEBE: _[sarcastically] _Oh, I've just dropped in for coffee. I'm here to rescue you, retard!

CLYDE: Oh. All the way from South Park? You must really care about me…

BEBE: _[unlocks his handcuffs] _Yeah, right. When we get out, you're gonna give me all the shoes I want. We're breaking out and I need help. Grab this guy's gun.

CLYDE: Gun? But that's kinda dangerous, isn't it?

BEBE: Damnit, Clyde, don't be such a pussy! 90% of Americans know how to handle a gun!

CLYDE: I doubt that so many nine-year-olds do, though…

BEBE: _[frowns] _Enough talking!

_[A jailor enters, alerted by the noise]_

JAILOR: Hey, what's going on in here? _[he sees the interrogator's corpse] _Oh, my God! They killed Benny!

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: You bastards!

_[The jailor draws a gun and points it at Bebe and Clyde. Suddenly, Timmy bursts in on his wheelchair and takes the jailor down]_

TIMMY: Timmah!

_[The jailor doesn't move. Clyde is shocked]_

CLYDE: Timmy? What are you doing here?

TIMMY: Timmeh! _[waves his hands about]_

CLYDE: Oh, I see… that explains a lot.

ESTHER: _[entering] _We were all kidnapped, just like you.

CLYDE: Esther?

TIMMY: Timmy!

CLYDE: No, it's Esther, not you, Timmy.

TIMMY: Lebulah, Timmah!

CLYDE: No, Timmy, I'm not living a lie as far as I can remember.

ESTHER: _[rolls her eyes] _Leaving aside this… fascinating conversation, we checked all the cells down here, Bebe. It seems there's only the four of us.

CLYDE: You mean the four of us will have to repopulate Earth? Well, let's get down to business, girls! _[he smiles suggestively]_

ESTHER: _[annoyed] _I mean the four of us in the prison!

CLYDE: _[clearly disappointed] _Oh. Shame.

BEBE: Anyway, I will take charge of our little team right now. Does that please and sparkle all of you?

ESTHER: Sunshine.

CLYDE: _[to Timmy] _Dude, what the hell are they talking about?

_[Timmy shrugs]_

* * *

_[Clyde, Bebe, Timmy and Esther are walking in the dungeon. Bebe leads the way]_

ESTHER: You know where we're going, right?

BEBE: Of course, Esther! Don't question my authoritah! We know that we're underground, right? So all we should do is find some stairs and go up.

CLYDE: Maybe there are some behind those doors?

BEBE: Huh?

_[Clyde points at a gateway behind them. It is a huge steel door, decorated with serpent-like figures]_

TIMMY: _[loudly] _Timmah!

BEBE: Quiet, Timmy!

TIMMY: _[whispers] _Timmah…

ESTHER: You guys, we'd better not go in there…

BEBE: If we want to find the exit, we'll have to check everything, anyway. Come along.

_[They move to the door. Clyde tries to open it, but doesn't succeed]_

CLYDE: Urgh! Damnit, it's heavy!

ESTHER: Okay, okay. _[makes her way to the door] _I didn't want to use it, but you leave me no choice… _[Rolls her eyes and holds out her arms mimicking the way Jedi knights use the Force. Suddenly, the door starts to open. Bebe and the two boys stand behind Esther in awe]_

BEBE: Esther, what the hell? Did you just use…

ESTHER: Yes, I admit it. I used the remote control. _[shows the device in her hand. The other children look disappointed] _I took it from that guard._  
_

BEBE: Oh. Just that?

ESTHER: Well, what did you expect?

BEBE: I don't know, but knowing your brother's antics…

CLYDE: You guys, look! _[Clyde's eyes widen in fear as he looks through the door. The other children also turn around, frightened]_

ESTHER: What is that?

BEBE: They've been keeping something like that in here?

* * *

_[A news report intro. A journalist is standing in front of a protesting crowd]_

JOURNALIST: Tom, I'm standing in front of the South Park City Hall, where people have gathered to protest against crime diseases. The leader of this "Movement against Kleptomania" is none other than the nine-year-old boy and widely known activist, Stan Marsh, who was also the leader of the infamous "La Resistance", the ex-head junior police detective and the leader of the terrorists who calf-napped some baby cows.

_[The camera cuts to a frontal view of Stan standing on a pedestal and speaking to the crowd]_

STAN: We need to show the government that the new legislation is harmful to normal people like you and me! _[A TV banner saying "Stanley Marsh, the leader of MaK" appears] _The government is taking things too far and its methods shouldn't be used in a civilized country!

TOWNSPEOPLE: Rabble, rabble, rabble! Rabble, rabble, rabble! _[the camera cuts to Sheila Broflovski among the crowd]_

SHEILA: I agree! _[A subtitle saying "Sheila Broflovski, mother of two" appears] _Soon, our children will be coming up with some fancy excuses like crime diseases and will become legitimate criminals! Why won't the government take action? My bubbe Kyle may start to steal and my little bubbe Ike will be able to do something even worse!

JOURNALIST: It would appear that this woman is very concerned about her boobies. We asked a number of townspeople what they think of the new bill.

_[The camera cuts to frontal views of the people interviewed by the journalist successively]_

DARRYL: _[A subtitle saying "Darryl Weathers, a redneck" appears] _We wanna let dat "crime diseased" folks know dat we do not take kindly to their sort around here! Where're the ol' days when we could shoot 'em all up? They took 'ur job!

SKEETER TUCKER: Dey tooker jerb!

JASON: _[A subtitle saying "Jason McHugh", a 4__th__ grader" appears]_ Yaaay, finally someone wants to talk about me!

JOURNALIST: Actually, we wanted to ask you what you thought about crime diseases.

JASON: _[looks puzzled]_ Uh… No, I don't know about that, but I can tell you my birthday… and my favorite color!

_[A moment of silence. The camera cuts back to the journalist]_

JOURNALIST: Well, there you have it. Nobody knows anything for now, except that Jason's favorite color is purple. Back to you, Tom. _[back to the studio]_

TOM: Thank you, Chris. Another astounding news is that a group of people have reported strange needle marks on their arms. An expert hired by the police said:

_[the camera cuts to a frontal view of a Mary Sue]_

MARY SUE: Like, you know, it's totally gotta be a vampire! We have to accept it – there's either a vampire or a werewolf on the prowl in South Park. If you're listening to this, vampire, you won't get away with this! …On the other hand, if you want to have your way with me, I won't struggle. _[pats her eyes]_

_[Back to the studio]_

TOM: The police is now looking for a vampire who may be the cause of all those…

* * *

_[The scene cuts to the Tweaks' living room. Tweek is watching the television, jittering]_

TWEEK: Gah! Vampires? Oh, sweet Jesus!

_[He storms out of the room]_

* * *

_[Craig's room. Craig is lying in his bed. The phone rings. He answers it, tired]_

CRAIG: _[monotonously]_Hello?

TWEEK'S VOICE: Ugh! Oh, Jesus, man! Aargh!

CRAIG: Is that you, Tweek? _[sighs and facepalms]_

TWEEK: Oh, man, what should I say? This is way too much pressure!

CRAIG: It's a bit too late for that. What do you want?

_[the scene cuts to Tweek's home]_

TWEEK: Dude! Haven't you heard? Aagh! There's a vampire in South Park! What if he comes to drink my blood – AAH! BLOOD! – at night? Oh, man, I can't go to sleep! _[jitters]_

CRAIG: …But you told me you never sleep anyway.

TWEEK: Aargh! No, it just turned out I never remember falling asleep because I fall asleep! Ugh!

_[the scene cuts back to Craig's home]_

CRAIG: Look, Tweek, what do me to do about it? You phone me at two o'clock in the morning and tell me to go vampire-hunting with you as if we were some kind of main characters. I'm perfectly fine with my background, boring life and I don't want it disturbed. I'm not doing anything, understand?

_[the scene cuts to Tweek's home]_

TWEEK: _[frowns, jittering] _Craig, Jesus Christ! You refuse to help your best friend?

CRAIG: …You're not my best friend, Clyde is…

TWEEK: Really? Oh, sweet Jesus, man! But everyone said we were after our fight!

CRAIG: Dude, who the hell would become best friends after a fight?

TWEEK: Gah! You're right! What should I do now? Not having a best friend is way too much pressure!

_[the scene cuts to Craig's room]_

CRAIG: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Go to sleep, Tweek. _[flips the phone off, hangs up and goes to bed]_

_[the scene cuts to Tweek's room]_

TWEEK: Craig? Craig? Oh, man, the vampires must have got him! Gaaah!

* * *

_That's the way it goes... There's been a lot going on in this chapter... Frankly, I think it has been a little chaotic..._

_Thanks for reading and thank you for all the reviews for the first chapter. I hope you liked this one.  
_

_Wensleydale  
_


	3. Jason Should Really Get Some Attention

_Finally, the third part arrives. It's a bit short for a whole chapter, and I'm a little disappointed about the unfinished plot threads, but let's say I did that on purpose. I probably shouldn't have said that. Oh, well…_

_Thank you for all your reviews, maybe they'll help me find strength to look for the 7 pages for another episode I wrote. Which I lost. Anyway, enjoy the show._

* * *

_[Blacks' residence. Token is shown to be asleep in his room. The scene resembles the one from "Godfather", when a film producer woke up and noticed a dead horse in his bed. The same creepy music is playing. The camera zooms out and as Token slowly wakes up, he seems astonished. The camera zooms out even more and we see that Token's enormous bedroom is completely empty – no TV, no furniture. Token himself is lying on a bedless mattress. When he sees all this, he starts to scream]_

TOKEN: _[screams] _Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

* * *

_[The scene changes to the classroom. Stan, Cartman, Butters, Timmy, Clyde, Bebe and Esther are not present. Token is still screaming – it is implied that he's been doing this since he woke up]_

TOKEN: _[continues to scream] _Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! _[stops, panting heavily]_

PIP: _[after a moment of silence]_ …Chaps, I believe he's out of breath now.

JIMMY: Token, fe-fella, chill out.

TWEEK: _[jitters] _Argh! Yeah, you have to chill out! Whatever you do, DON'T PANIC! AAAH!

WENDY: _[annoyed] _Quiet, Tweek! Calm down, Token! I know that you lost all your money, but Jesus Christ, don't be such a pussy about it!

GARRISON: _[turns around, irritated] _Children, will you please pay attention? This subject is very important! Now, the character Henry Livingstone from "You Rang, M'lord?" is a typical deadpan snarker…

* * *

_[The school corridor. The bell rings and children get out of their classrooms. Jimmy, Craig and Token are standing next to the lockers]_

CRAIG: What should we do now?

JIMMY: Hey, f-f-fellas! I'm p-pretty concerned about Timmy and Cl-clah… Cleeeeh… Clyde! I think we ought to go and re-rescue them.

CRAIG: How the hell can we do that?

JIMMY: Token's d-dad has a helicopter. We could take it and follow the Interp-peh… Interpol the next time they ab-duct someone very much.

TOKEN: Guys… We don't have a helicopter anymore. We're bankrupt now, remember?

CRAIG: _[he and Jimmy seem disappointed] _Oh, well. They'll have to manage by themselves, then. Later, Token.

JIMMY: Yeah, see you, T-token.

_[They walk off, leaving Token alone]_

TOKEN: _[to himself]_ Oh, great. Now they don't want to hang out with me because I'm poor. Was having a helicopter the only thing why they liked me?

_[Jason approaches Token]_

JASON: Aw, cheer up, Token. Let me tell you a joke… Yo mama so poor when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'! Hahahah! _[Token glares at him, but says nothing] _Okay, here's another one – Yo mama so poor, she can't even afford to go to the free clinic! Hahahah! ...Okay, here's another one-

_[Wendy approaches them both, glaring at Jason]_

WENDY: _[to Jason] _What are you doing?

JASON: I'm filling in for Eric Cartman. Since he's not here, someone else has to take his role as the Jerkass!

WENDY: Well, you suck at it. Go away, Jason.

JASON: _[walking away] _Yaaay, somebody remembered my name!

_[Token and Wendy are left alone. She sits down with him on the stairs, smiling]_

WENDY: What's up, my little black sunshine? Isn't the day great without having Cartman around? _[he says nothing]_ Why are you looking so down in the mouth? Is it about Clyde? Don't worry, I know he's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, but he's probably with Bebe, she'll manage to keep him alive...

TOKEN: Nah, it's not that... _[stands up] _You now I've been burgled and all...

WENDY: _[rolls her eyes] _Oh, God, not this thing again...

TOKEN: I'm kinda bankrupt now and I just wanted to ask... You sure you still want to... well... be my girlfriend?

WENDY: _[stands up, frowning at Token] _You mean that I would break up with you just because you're poor? Do you really think so lowly of me?

TOKEN: _[unsure] _Well, I...

WENDY: You've been thinking that I went out with you just for your money, didn't you? Do you really think I'm that shallow?

TOKEN : _[smiles a little] _You're right. I shouldn't have doubted you. I'm sorry I misjudged you.

WENDY: _[doesn't smile at all]_ Yeah, you doubted me, and that's exactly the reason why I'm going to break up with you right now!

_[Wendy walks off, leaving Token open-mouthed]_

TOKEN: Oh, great. Just terrific. I wonder what in the world could possibly depress me more...

_[A thunder roars. Suddenly, for no explainable reason, rain appears in the school corridor. Token sits down in the Troubled Fetal Position]_

* * *

_[A house in South Park. Fiona is escaping on a ladder with a bag full of loot. There is a sound of door opening. Kyle Broflovski comes in, frowning]_

FIONA: Uh… nice room you have thare, Kyle.

KYLE: How much of an asshole do you have to be to steal away from your friends? _[rolls his eyes]_

FIONA: _[comes back in] _Kyle! I swear it, I didn't know it was yer home! You can have yer stuff back, here you are!

KYLE: That's not the point! Have you seen Token? He's devastated! He's lost all his, money, friends, even his girlfriend, all because of you!

FIONA: Well, Wendy was Stan's girlfriend, sae he deserved it! Thay might as well geit back together!

KYLE: Now, look…

FIONA: Anyway! _[interrupts him] _You can hold yer horses, Kyle. I wasn't the one who burgled him.

KYLE: You didn't? _[raises an eyebrow] _There's another greedy bastard like you in this town?

FIONA: Aye. Now I geit what you meant before. You know… _[The "I learnt something today" theme starts playing in the background] _Today, I learnt an important lesson. I shouldn't use kleptomania as a scapegoat, because people will imitate this and become copycat thieves. Then, thay will steal my luit and I'll actually lose money.

_[The music frowns. Kyle glares at Fiona]_

KYLE: Steal your loot? Oh, stop it! You didn't learn anything, did you? _[leaves the room]_

FIONA: Eh? Don't walk away when I'm talkin' to ya! _[follows Kyle]_

* * *

_[The White House – The president's office. George Bush is sitting at his desk. His aides are standing in front of him, reporting]_

AIDE1: It's no use, Mr. President. The citizens are now either victims of burglaries or burglars themselves.

AIDE2: The country is surrounded by chaos.

AIDE3. Mr. president, a crowd has gathered in front of the White House. They want to know what you're planning to do about the new bill!

_[The president stands up and turns around, facing the window]_

PRESIDENT: This is a truly sad day for America. It seems I have no alternative but to do the right thing…

* * *

_[A crowd including Stan's Movement against Kleptomania has gathered in front of the White House. The president and his aides arrive and face them. The former picks up a microphone]_

CROWD: Rabble, rabble, rabble! Rabble, rabble, rabble!

_[The rabble quiets down as the president starts speaking]  
_PRESIDENT: Citizens of America! _[some epic music starts playing in the background]_ I have reached the following decision - the country is facing a grave danger. I have no alternative but to resign from my post as the president forthwith! Thank you. _[The music stops]_  
STAN: Hang on, hang on! This isn't what we wanted!  
PRESIDENT: Oh yeah? Well, philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want".  
NED: Mmmm, resigning at a time like this is just running away from responsibility, mmmm.  
JIMBO: What are you gonna do to the Crime diseases right act?  
PRESIDENT: Hmph, as if I cared. You're on your own now! Thank you! [leaves]  
STAN: _[confused]_ Dude, what the hell... _[to the crowd]_ Okay, can we please elect a new president quickly so we can get rid of this bill?  
RANDY: Hey, this Obama guy seems nice! How about him?

SKEETER: But this McCain fella promised us he wouldn't take our jobs!  
DARRYL: Taker jerb!  
MAYOR MCDANIELS: I still think Hillary Clinton would be better.  
JASON: _[imitates a voice]_ How about Jason? _[imitates another]_ Yeah, Jason would make a great president! At least he would get some attention!  
ANNIE FAULK: Jason who?  
JASON: _[disappointed that nobody remembers him]_ Awww... _[he walks off]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Kyle and Fiona arriving at the White House and approaching Stan]_

KYLE: Stan!  
STAN: Kyle! What are you doing here?  
KYLE: Never mind about that! Have you got a mike?  
STAN: I think George Bush left one over there. What are you going to do?  
KYLE: _[goes there and picks it up, then gives it to Fiona]_ Okay, get ready, Fiona!  
FIONA: Aye, aye, sir!  
STAN: _[frowns]_ To do what?  
_[Fiona walks up to a pedestal. She and Kyle stand on it and she starts to read a speech from a sheet of paper Kyle gave her]_

KYLE: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! Can I have your attention, please?

_[The crowd looks at Kyle and Fiona]_  
FIONA: Uh... I just wanted you lads to know that..._ [reads] _I learnt something today. You shouldn't make excuses when daein' something bad, even if you are right, because everyone will start makin' execu...  
KYLE: _[hisses]_ Excuses!

FIONA: Excuses... And this will result in chaos. Sae, you see, crime diseases shouldn't geit special treatment because it singles them out and misses the whole point. That bill was executed so that kleptomaniacs could have a social life. But if they can steal and we can't even insult them, it makes us hate them even more! So if you do somethin' bad, you should. _[finishes, waiting for a reaction]_

_[The crowd doesn't seem to have understood. Kyle pinches the bridge of his nose and turns the paper over. Fiona realises she hasn't finished yet]_  
FIONA: ...try not to do it! Furthermore, some people don't seem to remember that kleptomaniacs are people that steal only worthless things, having little or no financial value. Others are just common thieves.  
_[A moment of silence]_  
JIMBO: Really?  
KYLE: Oh, come on! You people never realized that?

FIONA: Sae the right thing to do would be to make it less easy for people to become kleptomaniacs.

STAN: _[nods]_ Yeah.

FIONA: _[whispers to Kyle] _Was that all right?

_[Kyle gives her a thumbs-up]_

BEBE'S VOICE: Not so fast!

_[All eyes on Bebe, who just arrived along with Timmy, Clyde and Esther at the scene. They are all wearing ragged clothes, Timmy's wheelchair is broken and lacking one wheel]_

BEBE: We've just discovered the Interpol's terrible secret! In its headquarters, there are over thirty canisters of blood, supplied by all the hospitals in America! And where is that blood going to, you might ask?

STAN: I wasn't asking.

BEBE: _[ignoring him]_ Show them, Timmy!

TIMMY: _[moves to a big screen which appeared out of nowhere]_ Timmah! _[inserts the disc into a portable DVD]_

STAN: _[whispers to Kyle]_ What has it got to do with anything?

_[Kyle shrugs]_

FIONA: Maybe just a less interesting subplot needs to be developed.

KYLE: _[looks at her as if she was mad]_ What?

_[We can see the screen again. Bebe and Timmy are standing beside it. A picture of Clyde faith-hilling in the cell appears on the screen]_

BEBE: Where is it all going to? The Woodland Christmas Critters. It appears that they need it for their blood orgies and their rituals to summon the dark lord, Cthulthu. The only way to stop them is to... _[notices the faith-hilling photo]_ Clyde, do you really have to meme in every single picture? _[frowns at him] _Timmy!

_[Timmy jumps a few more photos of Clyde faith-hilling in the dungeons. Finally, the screen shows Woodland Christmas Critters sacrificing Hedgehoggy the hedgehog in a ritual. All the critters are wearing their usual, sweet smiles]_

STAN: Hey, weren't that those imaginary characters from Cartman's Christmas story?

_[The president comes back and approaches Bebe's group]_

PRESIDENT: Well done, children! Thanks to you, American citizens are safe! The congress will pass the law banning blood donations immediately!

STAN: _[after a moment of silence] _Haven't you just resigned?

KYLE: Yeah, go away, George Bush! Everyone's fed up with you!

PRESIDENT: Now, we will all be able to live a quiet life without evil cults.

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Hell's Pass Hospital. Nurses keep throwing out corpses of people who died of blood loss. Dr. Gouache is standing there, shouting at the thrown out bodies]_

DOCTOR: Out you go! No blood for you today, followers of Satan!

* * *

_[Back to the White House]_

FIONA: Riiight... _[walks away with Stan and Kyle]_

STAN: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.

KYLE: Wait a minute! They still haven't done anything about the kleptomania law!  
STAN: Dude, screw that. It's getting dark and I'm tired as hell.  
FIONA: Aye, we can fight kleptomania tomorrow. Tomorrow is still another day... But ye know, I learnt...  
KYLE: _[annoyed]_ Oh, shut up, Fiona! You wouldn't even have made this speech if I hadn't made you!  
FIONA: I would've! You misjudge me so much, Kyle!  
STAN: Anyway, I still don't get the whole blood thing. What had it got to do with anything?  
KYLE: Nothing, apparently. Hey, but that means Cartman's business is over!  
FIONA: It seems you owe Bebe one.

STAN: Yeah. I wonder what Cartman's doing right now.

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Cartman destroying Butters' room in an outrage with a baseball bat]_

CARTMAN: You son of a bitch! This is all your fault! _[waving his bat around]_

BUTTERS: _[worried] _Aw, hamburgers!

* * *

_[The scene cuts back to Stan, Kyle and Fiona]_  
STAN: Well this calls for a celebration. Who'd like some ice cream? This one's on me.  
FIONA: Sorry, lads, but me dad's goin' to ground me if I'm back late. Another time, eh? _[she suddenly hugs the two boys] _Bye, then!  
_[Fiona leaves Stan and Kyle alone]_  
STAN: Bye. Okay, let's get going. _[he searches his jacket]_ Hey, where's my wallet?  
_[He searches his jacket again, Kyle does the same. Both find nothing. They look at each other, then at the direction Fiona went to, glaring angrily]_  
KYLE: I hate this girl...

_[THE END]_

* * *

_And that's it. In-universe George Bush wasn't even the president for a year, so I had to explain how he resigned. I hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you for reading my so-called story. Please review if you've got time. Next week, trivia.  
_

_Wensleydale_


End file.
